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Busy designing that little 'live from Manchester' graphic. What do you think?
Better in monchrome (above) or with a tint (below)? I like the blue-purple tint...
Last week I was worried that I had myself a potential stalker. It happened, not
through the webcam as I always expected it might. It was actually someone whom
I chatted to online and then met up with.
He was intelligent, educated and pleasant company and, in the way these bizarre
things sometimes happen, it turned out he lives just a few hundred yards from
me. I felt that we might become friends.
I wouldn't usually give my address to someone I'd just met. But, when it became
clear what near neighbours we were, I pointed out my location.
A big mistake... As within three hours of saying 'goodbye', he turned up at my
front door, having dodged the security system. He also telephoned me five or six
times that day and sent me three e-mails.
Friends just turning up when they feel like it and telephoning repeatedly is often
a big problem for self-employed people who work at home. I explained this to him
and asked him to e-mail or telephone to arrange a suitable time to call by.
I got about the same number of telephone calls and e-mails from him the following
day and, when he got the answering machine, he just left a message saying 'I'll
call round in 15 minutes'.
By 5pm on day two I'd had enough. It was doing my head in and, when he 'phoned
twice within 20 minutes, I completely lost my cool and told him to 'chill out'.
It was Friday and I said I would call him after the weekend.
While trying not to be paranoid, by this point I was seriously worried, as I'd
realised he could see my front door from his kitchen window.
Luckily he cut it out over the weekend. So, as I did actually enjoy his company,
I called him on the Monday to say 'hi'. I told myself that perhaps I was over-reacting
and that maybe I should see it as a compliment that he was so interested in me...
But things began to get out of hand again. Not quite as bad as before, but still
way too intense, considering we had known each other for all of four days...
The thing is, I'm a busy person with a life that's already full... When I'm not
talking with my existing friends or meeting them, or out doing something, I'm
invariably working on one thing or another. I simply do not get bored and
I don't sit around at a loose end, wishing someone would turn up.
If I meet someone new, then of course I can make some time and maybe get together with them
once or twice a week to begin with.
The trouble is, that just wasn't good enough for this guy... He wanted me to be
available whenever he telephoned and whenever he called by, at times that suited
him. He expected to take up an hour or two of my time every day. Even though we
had only just met.
And if I said 'OK I guess I can spare half-an-hour' his response was 'only
30 minutes?'. Or if I said 'I'm not free', he took it personally and tried to
lay a guilt trip on me.
By last Thursday, a week after meeting and despite having been told in an e-mail
'I would prefer if you could 'phone before calling round or, if I'm online, e-mail
me and wait to hear back', he was still turning up at my door without warning.
He even mentioned that he had woken at 5am one morning and had nearly come round
then!
I was getting to the stage where I didn't want to pick up the 'phone or open the
door to anyone.
Meanwhile he was becoming bitter and insulting when he didn't get what he wanted
and he was making jealous remarks if I spent time with other friends (whom he'd
never even met).
So, yesterday I received a two-page e-mail from him. Quite bitter, accusing me
of being heartless, telling me I should reflect on my life and make time for people
who want to be in my life. This from someone who has known me for just over a
week...
I guess he is lonely and I know that feeling -- especially after a relationship
finishes. So I am sympathetic to an extent. But his over-possessive and pushy
attitude is just intolerable.
He also writes I shouldn't use new technology (e-mail) to 'evade' face-to-face
contact.
I look at things from a different perspective... There is only one person who
controls my life and who decides how I spend my time, and with whom, and that
person is ME.
If someone leaves a message or e-mails me, I always reply to them. But answering
machines, e-mail and security systems are tools that let me deal with people when
I choose to do so and when it is convenient. They let me manage and organise my
life effectively.
So, I wait to see what happens next...
It has certainly made me reflect on something and that is what an insidious and
invasive device the telephone can be...
Footnote: I just want to make clear that I absolutely
love hearing from 'normal' people. I would hate anyone to be put off contacting
me due to me telling this story :-)
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